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My girlfriend farts a lot

One night, after we got ready for bed, my girlfriend turned out the bedroom lights, kissed me, and rolled over. But a minute later, an unmistakable sound broke the silence.


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Dear Luv Doc, I have a really tricky situation with my girlfriend.

She is smoking hot and fun to be around but she farts a lot. She says if I love her I have to love her farts. What do you think?

Should I draw a line? I was busy washing my hair … or whatever. For all I know you may be dead by now. If so, my bad.

She farts a lot

I may have underestimated the direness of your situation. A lot of people think farts are hilarious. Not so.

Because people need oxygen to laugh. Of course, that could be said about a lot of things. Austin would be at their gates with pitchforks and torches careful with those torches demanding that they relocate to Houston — or at the very least, Pasadena. You could ask your girlfriend to relocate to Pasadena, but before you do, let me throw a few stones at your glass house. Some of us are just sneakier at it than others.

My guess is that you grew up in a more repressive environment than your girlfriend. Maybe you were an altar boy who had to keep your sphincter clenched through an entire Latin mass. Maybe she grew up in a clothing-optional hippie commune where they had rice and beans for dinner every night and a ritual digestif of ecstatic flatulence.

You can probably slip in a silent-but-deadly in the middle of a board meeting without breaking character while she carpet bombs the whole cube farm on the way to make her herbal tea in the break room. You probably complement each other. She knows the secret. Maybe you should learn how to laugh at these intermittent odorous reminders of your mortality.

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